Again, a post for me to vent. Disregard-ayezzz if you pleeazzze :)
Most abused journal,
So yes, brother dear is staying with us again. After finding out last week that his girlfriend kicked him out again, he showed up at the same nearby grocery store parking lot drunk and sleeping in his car. Well, we found out his location when police knocked at our door at 5 in the morning.. looking for his family. "We can't leave him there.." We told them to arrest him then, but that the family is tired of bailing out his 50 year old self. Tough love, we thought. But they did leave him there. I printed out all of the information for all of the local shelters he could stay in, and put it on his window. We toughed it out for 2 days, leaving him in the parking lot to bake. Taking him water and crackers. But it didn't last. I felt I would sleep better if he were at least parked under the tree out front for shade. Sleeping off his drunkeness.. jackass. Pissing himself. Puke on the ground. My patience just doesn't understand why he does it. When he sobers up I just want to slap him when he even tries to blame it on his girlfriend, he's been a drunk for years. He'll go months.. just fine.. then BLAM! And the whole family goes into chaos. And I remember why I don't like my mother. I love her.. I have to, but I don't like her. She's two-faced. After a couple days out front, we allowed him to come inside and he's sleeping downstairs now. This time he finally accepted it's over with the girlfriend, so I'm happy for that. She took him back last time because he got his tax return and had already booked tickets to Cali for a week. I'm not stupid, I know what kind of person she is. If you love someone, then you try to help them cure whatever is wrong with them. She never does. She's not a nice person, and never does anything social with our family. I know she's a user, so I can understand his frustration when he says that he doesn't feel she loves him. Duh? So, he's in our home now. Well, on an inflatable bed in the basement.. which isn't so bad with cable and such. Better than a grocery store parking lot.
But my mother. She's cold. After we brought him inside, she and my step-father wrote a nasty email then sent it to ME. "Give this to him". Screw you. I wrote back that I'm working towards the positive, and that I didn't want to be the bearer of negative. Plus, I had hardly spoken to him at the time. He's lucky my husband is so understanding and has a heart of gold. But it was full of sarcasm and just nasty comments about him being a 'loser'. From his own mother. Yet, when they came by my house she was all cuddles and love with my brother, and I wanted to scream. I don't want to hate her. But she's evil. To treat her own child like that, it's just disgusting. My father helped my brother for many many years. Giving him a job, nice cars, paying for his rehab twice.. and so much more. Legal bills. Car repair bills. Bailing him out right and left, because he didn't know what else to do. He can't now, he's barely able to take care of himself. And we've had conversations, he feels bad that he can't let him move in with him. But I fully understand. As it is I'm working towards my father moving in with us and selling his home. It's too much for him, he's not well. But where was my mother during all this time? She started her NEW life when I was 16 and has never once helped my brother. Ever. Yet she will go on and on about how we have 'done too much' and he's 'got to do it on his own, because she's had enough'. But never, she has never helped him. Never bailed him out of jail, which we have done repeatedly. All of us, my sisters, father and I. Had we called mom back then? Yeah, right. Never took him in and offered him a place to stay. Never once showed him any motherly compassion. But, face-to-face, she's all about how it's his girlfriend's fault and how she needs to be more understanding. Yet behind his back? She spent hours over there bad-mouthing my brother.. because she called to tell me all about it. I cut her off. At least being older now, I know how to end an unwanted conversation with her. "Oh, Monkey is crying.. gotta run."
I'm trying to bite my tongue. When she starts on her 'I'm a victim of my son' bullshit. She's a horrible mother. She was a horrible mother. And regardless of how sweet and wonderful people think she is when they meet her.. which she is.. she is still a bad mother. And I hope that I never behave the way she does. As far as parents go, I don't think I fared too well. However, I would take my father any day. He may be a nutty freak of nature, but at least you know where you stand with him. If he's pissed, he'll tell you and then you're done with it. There are no mental games. And all of the fun times I do actually remember from my childhood, were with my father. All I remember about my mother is that she constantly started fights with my dad. She always slept on the couch, and she was cold. I remember my father crying and I remember the depression he was in when I returned from Switzerland. And I remember when they did finally file divorce papers, he said there was no way in hell she would get custody.. and it made me feel wanted. Because she never once asked me if I wanted to go with her.. she actually told me to stay with my dad. Not that I would have left him, but she didn't know that. Her excuse was that she couldn't afford to take care of me, "Your father has more money." Which was bullshit, and she knew it. He was broke and unemployed when she left. We were living in a rented home and the only car we had was an old unreliable 1964 Jag XKE because she took the family car. She never called. Never invited me over. Yet to talk to her now, you would think my father tore us kids away from her. In her memory, she was alone and pining for her children. In reality, she was continuing one of her many affairs and trying to get my sister's boyfriend to move in with her.
I don't feel better. But at least I got it out. So I can remember why I'm so angry with her this time.
