So yesterday was a really shitty day for me. And I know that the person that ruined it sometimes reads my blog, but I don't care. This is my blog and I created it so that I could go on-and-on about things that affect my life. And she has definitely done that.Do you have any of those 'friends' in you life that feel is their job to inflict their opinions and views on you? This was something I actually liked about her. That she was a strong person, able to stand on her own 2 feet. You could talk about things, and she didn't just agree.. she had an opinion. But this time she has gone too far and insulted Monkey Boy. With a smile, even. I know Monkey isn't perfect, I'm not one of those 'not my child' parents. But he's 7. And he's growing into his skin. And he's testing his limits. He becomes very jealous of said friend's daughter, and I have been trying to work it out. But at the same time, said friend's daughter provokes him. So, I am going to post the email she sent me yesterday.. and the following responses. And if you guys have any opinions, let me know. Mainly if you think that I am being one of those parents that thinks my kid is perfect, then enlighten me. But I'm so pissed off that I can't stand it. I got about 30 minutes of sleep lastnight just festering over how someone could be so rude and say such things about the CHILD of a FRIEND!
I know it's a lot of reading. You guys don't have to read it, I know I hate anything which consists of more than 8 words. But, I feel 100% better just getting it out of my system. Names will just be first initials. MB: Monkey Boy A: Her Daughter G: Her Son C: Her Husband T: Her
This was my Good Morning yesterday:
Okay I am a little frustrated and thought I should let you know. So if you have seen us withdrawing this is why.... I feel like you are a very protective parent, which is good. You protect your child from speeding cars and potentiual pedophiles etc. You make sure he is safe and I know you love him. But I do not see you imparting values or respect in him. Respect for other people. MB is about MB. What MB wants. How MB feels. He does not have respect for other people or things. He "does not care" and his attitude stinks. I look at it as, I have two options. Act like everything is fine or choose not to be around it. I can't tell you how to raise your child, that is your responsibility, and it is not my job to discipline him. But I can choose what behaivor I or my children am around. So if you see us withdrawing that is why. That is why C did not go watch fireworks Saturday. He did not want to be stuck in the car with MB acting like a hanyat with no consequences (plus he is not that big into fireworks and had other things to do). MB did really well in the car that day but there are those times that he just can't keep his hands to himself or is screetching in everyone's ear and your response was "MB you keep on singing buddy:)" In other words... MB you do what you want to do regardless of how it affects everyone else. Well the rest of the world does not revolve around MB. And his jeolously towards A is a constant battle. She will bring it to you and you do nothing. You say "I can't make him stop". But when you have had enough you say "MB keep it up and you won't have friends over" Or "No more X-box". ???
It boils down to respect and care for other people. MB can pick and bug other people and you can do or not do anything about it but at some point the other people have to decide what they will or will not tolerate. That is where we are at. So if you are wondering why we are not coming down as much that is why. I don't mean to dump a load on you. I don't think he is a demon child or the spawn of satan. I think he is a good kid. He just needs to be corrected in love on occasion with real consequences and taught to respect other people. I am not asking you to beat your kid. And I know you love him. I am asking you to understand another perspective in how his behaivor affects other people. That's all. I have been chewing over how to deal with this and I woke up this morning and just felt it was time to say something. This has just been bugging me for awhile and I felt like I needed to let you know. I think you are a beautiful person and are a lot of fun to be around. I hope this doesn't change our relationship in a bad way. "Our children" can be a very sensative subject. :) And I hope there isn't anything in this email that is to harsh.With love, T p.s. A still wants to do your scanning. She's worried you may not want her to if I send this email. :)
And yes, I put that one section in bold.. it reminds me of why I'm so incredibly angry. And no, A did not come down to do work for me. Does it make sense that she would even want to send her child into this den of inequity after sending an email like that?? Who does that??? So I replied:
T,
That's fine, I understand. I know MB is getting un-ruly. Am I going to hit him? No. He's starting to test his limits, and what he can or can not get away with. We will handle it. Do I want to yell at my child in front of other people? No. I don't believe in humiliating him in front of his friends or adults. I am feeling what annoyed you lastnight is that when A came into the living room I understood her to say that they were both playing with their walkie-talkies too close and making the beep loudly. But if it was just MB, I think he just becomes frustrated that when your kids come down they are glued to the TV. He wants to play, and they want him to shut up so they can watch a movie. I've heard it myself when they were in the living room, they literally yell at him. I invite them down to play, not to sit on the couch and watch TV for hours. There have often been times MB is outside playing, while G is glued to the XBox. I do believe in respect for others, but at the same time that doesn't mean he has to kneel and bow to everything they want him to do when they walk into the door. I believe they should be treating each other equally.
And I don't know how to deal with all of these issues you have now suddenly dropped on me. The hitting in the car, did you not tell C to stop because he was also encouraging it? And you are correct, I did tell him he could sing. He wasn't screeching, he was singing. And it wasn't that loud. When he is screaming, I do tell him to stop. Do you think that I enjoy every 10 seconds A screeching, "G STOP IT!!!" ... "JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"?? The sudden hostile screaming makes me want to shoot someone. Your kids are sweet, but they're not perfect either. We just ignore it and move on, because they ARE kids. They're not adults, they're going to be who they are as they develop into better people. Perhaps you're just used to your own kids' unruly behavior, and not his, and so MB is the 'hanyat' in this situation? I have things I don't like, never talked about, perhaps today is the day. I know some are off subject, but I want to just let you know that we all have our times of just "saying nothing":
1. I was extremely uncomfortable the day you, A and I went to Petsmart. It was just before Father's Day and you were talking about how they didn't have cards that said, "You're never there" or "Thanks for not being there when I needed you" or about support or something. In front of A. I think that if you want to teach your daughter to have no respect for her father, then you're on the right track. I don't find C to be a bad father, and I think that the message you're sending is the opposite when he's not around.
2. I am uncomfortable when your daughter goes on and on about how she wishes she could break your cell phone and computer so that you would just spend time with her. Telling me that she has asked for even 20 minutes in a day, and you put her off. She feels you would rather play games on your PC than spend time with her. Or when we would scrapbook, she would say, "I wish my mother would do this with me" and she wanted you to come down, too. It's part of the reason I stopped, I felt like I was making it worse. I just do my projects alone now.
3. The day C was on the floor in front of my desk, and you were in the chair next to him. You were talking about putting a roof on a house and he said, "I like how she says 'us'" and you flipped out. I thought you were going to hit him, his face even flushed. I don't know if he was embarrassed, or wanted to hit you for going off and was refraining. Both MrNV and I were uncomfortable. Or the day that he sat down on the step in front of our house after working all day, it was dark even. He just got there and you started going off on him for ordering some wall panel before being ready for it... "Wouldn't it have been smart to wait??".. basically calling him stupid. And you'll notice I left. Is that what you feel is 'respect of others'? The way you speak to him? Because I don't. And don't our children learn by example?
4. The day we were in your kitchen and C hit A. It was shocking, and we were very uncomfortable. But also, after thinking on it, I think he had reached his limits of the women in his home telling him to shut up.. which is why he hit her. You know, because A wasn't displaying 'respect' for others by telling her father to 'shut up'. Right? And she's how old? And could that have been a learned behavior?
5. The day my mother had a garage sale, I had emailed you and asked if A could go over early and help her.. and that I'd pay her. She ended up showing up there around 2pm. She spent the whole time counting my mother's money, which made my mom very uncomfortable. I told her it was OK, she wouldn't steal it. But then A kept telling her what her % would be, and was wanting money. For?? She was actually very pushy about it, and I was embarrassed. She didn't do anything, it was the end of the day. My mother gave her whatever items she wanted that were left at the sale, and even gave her some cash. I know you didn't let her go because you don't know my mom, I completely understand. But for her to still feel she was obligated to be paid?
6. Did I complain about A's constant begging for glow sticks when we did go to Easton? Did you say, "A, don't be rude. Don't beg for them." Err, no? But I ignored it, because MB was doing the same thing. No matter that he's 7.. and she's how old?
I have noticed since when we met, to now, that A has suddenly become a teenage drama queen. Which I find amusing and it makes me chuckle. But I will not be the villain in her realm. She chases MB and hits him, and I don't say a thing. But when she's done playing chasey-chasey, then it's all about coming and crying to me. Everything he does, she comes and cries to me about it.. which is why he gets so angry with her. He is jealous, I've told you that already. I know it, and I'm trying to deal with it. But it's not easy for me when I say, "Leave her alone".. then she prances back into the living room and provokes him.
I do discipline MB. Today he isn't allowed to have friends over because of his actions lastnight. We had a long talk about it lastnight. And today, I have read your email to him. He was very upset and cried. And we talked about it, I told him what you said and explained it all to him and how we've talked about him being un-ruly and wild. I appreciate the fact that he does need to respect others. He's an only child, it's a bit tricky for him when he is dumped into the mix of sibling fights, bickering and arguments. He hits A when she's yelling at G. When she's rude to G and tells him, "You're not very funny".. MB stands up to her and says he thinks he is. But I felt it was only fair that he know what the opinions are of him, since you said A knows you're sending this.
I am curious if you have talked with G and asked him about all of this rude behavior MB displays? Does he feel MB is mean to him when A doesn't come down? Is there as much arguing, when A isn't here? Maybe ask G if he likes to come down to play with MB, or if it's because we have XBox? Ask him if there are often times MB is in the office with us, and he is still playing XBox? Or MB is playing legos, and G is watching a movie? I'm not mad. They do play together great, I have zero issues with G. They do also do tons of things together, and do war and are so compatible. But I would prefer a list of "Things I hate about MB' from G, than from A's point of view. But now that I think on it, I don't like when he tells MB he's going to hell for some reason or another. When Z (another boy) was there the other day he and G were going on about Hell and MB felt uncomfortable and came home. He said he didn't want to talk about it, and they wouldn't stop. Was that respectful of others? Or, because it was about the Bible.. there is an exception? And does he behave this way when you take him to church? I would have expected you to say something if he was being selfish AND/OR rude AND/OR displaying lack of respect for others?
I believe there was more to C not going on Saturday, and I don't appreciate you dumping that all on my shoulders. But if that really was the reason, then perhaps you should have respected his dislike of MB being around your perfect kids and stayed home also.
You know, I really love you guys and we're going to work this out. But at the same time, you have really hurt my feelings. If your children were perfect, then I wouldn't have issues. I have never complained about them, because they are kids. I expect them to be insane and act crazy and be kids, because that's what they do. I don't believe kids should shut-up and have zero opinion, zero personality and be quiet in the corner. Perhaps you should have a sit down with A and ask her honestly, does MB behave this way without any provocation from you? Because I think if she would actually be honest with herself, she would know that his behavior is often... not always... a reaction to hers.
I don't like your comments that his attitude 'stinks' or that he's selfish. Not coming from a parent. He shares everything he has with your kids. We share everything we have with your family. He lets your kids play with everything we have in this house. He always wants to buy them little gifts, draw them pictures or invite them anywhere we go. If we're going to see a movie, "Can they come?".. or go out to eat, "Can they come?".. always wanting to take you guys anywhere when we have plans. If he were selfish and self-centered, he would not be so giving. This part is going to be very hard for me to get past, just to let you know. I seriously resent that comment. Seriously.
I'm going to need hiatus from your family. I know we will work this out. But I do not appreciate your insinuation that we are bad parents, or that our child is any worse than yours. Because if that really is the way that you feel, then I can completely appreciate that you won't want to see us anymore anyway. And no, I don't need A to scan today. I will take care of it myself. Again, if my house is such a hell to visit .. then obviously she needs a break, too. We can do dinner in a week, after we have all calmed down and thought it all out.
I am feeling better already. It helps when you go through it all and really think about the whole picture. I guess it seems like some sort of silly argument, but it's more than that. You don't speak to friends that way. You enlighten them if you have an issue, but you don't attack the character of their child? Anyway, she replied once more, and then I sent my last email lastnight. I'll finish up and then I'm done with this.
You have obviously taken offense which I guess you will have to work out. If I didn't care I would say nothing and just stop visiting with you. If my kids are unruly or rude I will deal with them. No not by taking away a toy or you can't play. Consequences like the real world. If there is something "that I know about" I'll deal with it. And I don't want them watching TV for hours or Xbox for hours, that is why I will not buy one. And if that is what they are doing at your house that will have to change. I guess that would be another example of a need for limits. And if A said in my presence "what is her percentage?" she would have been corrected and she should have been embarrassed. You should have said something. Whatever her deal was between her and your mom or you whoever worked it out I know nothing about. But I do believe I called to see if she needed to leave and was told "NO.... she is fine". ??? We'll have a talk about that.
As far as the email A was sitting next to me this morning as I typed. G knows nothing about it but I guess I will have to explain why he will not be playing with MB for awhile. I guess we will see where this goes. t
I wasn't going to reply, I did want to let it go. But I couldn't stop thinking about what she said. But I won't write anymore. It's just not worth it. You can just only hope that people understand your point of view, and leave it at that.
I was just going to leave it all alone and let myself settle over this. But while washing dishes, it really was eating at me that you could actually say I have 'Obviously taken offence, which I guess YOU will have to work out." How exactly did you expect me to take your email? There is tactful, and then there is rude. I would never speak of your children the way you did of MB. He is SEVEN, T. He hasn't even conquered the English language yet. He's still learning to read and write, and you would actually say the things you did? Let's try it this way, I’ll put your son’s name into the comments you made:
But I do not see you imparting values or respect in him. Respect for other people. G is about G. What G wants. How G feels. He does not have respect for other people or things. He "does not care" and his attitude stinks.
Did you even read that before sending it? Did you put yourself in my shoes and think about how that would make YOU feel if someone said that about YOUR child? You could have simply said that you think I need to work on his jealousy issues with A, and perhaps list out the different times I have not reacted properly. But instead you are attacking the character of a SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD. What friendship book did you read exactly, that stated that it was OK to insult the child of your friend? You're not mad about how I handle him, you just don't like my child. I used to get mad at W (neighborhood boy), but because he would repeatedly hit MB as hard as he could.. and called me 'stupid' and said 'I hate you' to my face. Yeah, that is un-ruly. But I never said anything to his mother to the extent that you have. Never sent her emails saying I felt her kid's attitude stinks. I did tell her he was grounded from my house for a week for what he said.. I didn't tell her she was pathetic as a parent! And guess what? He has improved a lot. That would be... because he's a CHILD!
And I have no clue what you're talking about, 'Consequences like the real world'. What the fuck is that? You want me to put him in prison? Call 911 every time he offends you? I put him in time out. It does upset him when he can't play with his friends, or use his XBox. And you have NO idea what it is I do or say in my home when you're not here. So don't tell me I'm not raising my child properly. I have heard you tell your kids they can't go out and play because they didn't finish their chores. So it's OK for you to use that as punishment, but not me? Oh, and didn't you say you have to remind them REPEATEDLY to do their rooms? And they still don't clean? And that they'll be watching TV when they were supposed to be doing chores? Wow. Your kids are not showing you respect, T. Perhaps you need more 'real world consequences' up there.
Please just drop it. I don't want to get pissed any more than I am. My hiatus includes email. And next time you feel like insulting my family, you might want to listen to your obviously more compassionate daughter when she tells you that I might get mad. And for fun, I think tonight I'll remind my self-centered son that the world does indeed revolve around him, and we'll all watch porn. Because THAT is the type of parent I AM! OBVIOUSLY!
OH, and PS, this is the mother of the perfect boy that shoved Monkey into the wall a while back.. when he had to get stitches in his head in the emergency room. Monkey clearly told me that G shoved him into the wall.. and I heard the whack all the way in my office. That was not tripping or stumbling. Accidents happen, but I didn't DWELL on it and start telling her what a 'hanyat' her son is and how he needs to learn RESPECT FOR OTHERS and not PUSH and SHOVE. Nhoooo, I just told her it was no big deal.. boys will be boys, I didn't want them to feel bad about it at all. Can you imagine if it had been the other way around? And I wonder if she issued any 'real world consequences' for G after he did that? Because I only remember them laughing it off like it was no big deal.
