My song du jour

I love those conveyer belts at airports. When you look like you're walking 100mph. I'm going to have a hard time resisting goofing off now when I go again.. :)

Reason #498 that I am a bad parent...

We were watching the new Bionic Woman this evening, didn't like it by the way. Monkey was flying his Lego airplane around... and it came apart. The largest part crashed into the couch.. and then there was slight drama. To avoid it.. we told him what an IMPRESSIVE crash it was and that we hoped the pilot survived.
Stupid me, "Yes, I hope he ejaculated in time!!"
Smart MrNV, "Ehem... it's ejected"
..pause while the mouse in the wheel of my brain got to running...
"Uh? Ohhhhh! Yes, ejeeeected!"
I don't want THAT call from the school!! "Your son was telling a story to the class and demanded that the pilot ejaculated!" AAAAAAAAHHAHA!!!!! OMG. I should not be a parent. Monkey is so lucky he has a smart father :)

Money CAN buy you children??

I thought that when you applied to adopt a child, that there were a huge list of rules and regulations? I think perhaps too many, but I'm sure they're there for a reason. I think it's why so many people adopt from other countries. Right? I have a very nice neighbor, she applied to adopt a child here in the US. Lots and lots of interviews. And time. She was sad because of the amount of time it took, and the evaluations. They have a son, a nice kid. They both are educated, work with science stuff. Smarty-smart. But they were rejected. The reason? They weren't diverse enough. I don't even know what that means.

Now Rosie, who has adopted a few kids, is coming out with a new book. In it she talks about how she used to break her own fingers or damage her hand severely with a bat.. for attention. Because it made her feel important. And other psychotic issues. And I think she also eludes to, but does not clarify, bad things happening to her at night. ?? Strange visitors? Don't these types of things prevent you from being eligible? I believe at the time she was even single, not with her current partner. It just seems like that would be one of those huge red flags that comes up while applying. Unless she lied and said she had no mental problems? I don't know. I'm all for children being adopted. If I had gads of money and could afford it, I would even consider adopting. But I'd probably be rejected for being a bitch or something.

It all just seems weird. Sort of Joan Crawford-esque. I can't wait for THAT book to come out by one of her children, because I don't like her anyway. I used to, but not anymore. I hate people that demand freedom of speech, but only THEIR speech. If you have something different to say.. then you need to SHUT UP! :)

Smartass

Yes, Jay, you're a smartass. No, I am not in a deep depression over Luciano :) Twit. Just busy and blue. I think I just don't do well when MrNV is out of town, and he was supposed to return last Friday. So I'm aggravated. I guess his other family wanted him to stay longer. WHATever. My mental maintenance requires he be around at all times so I can verbally abuse him. When he walks into my office and asks me to do something, I can give him the bird as he turns his back to me and walks back out. Or just basically being able to tell him to 'fuck off' is so calming. It's not like I can abuse the kid.. that will cost me in expensive therapy for him later :)

Now that school is back in, we're also busy with MORE homework and projects since he's in 3rd grade now. And the math is retarded, did I mention? Seriously. Makes my brain bleed. Why can't you just add the fucking numbers? Why do you have to add boxes, lines and dots? Because i can tell you right now, I if I walk into my bank with a deposit slip that has 4 boxes, 8 lines and 9 dots, they're just going to laugh my ass right out the door. "You need to write $489.00. I don't care what the school tells you!!". Why do we have to make them learn all this stupid stuff, just to tell them later to forget it?? I'm so glad I'm not a teacher, because my career would last 2 days. God bless them all. And I'm not a patient person at all. I accept it. If I have a math type problem to figure out, I'm going to go the shortest route... ask MrNV :)

And then there is baseball. I did write to my coach. A nice letter. Explaining that I felt that his original players were being a bit ignored for the new better shinier happier players. I did tell him that I don't expect Monkey to be at the best positions, but that I did at least expect equal play time. One inning wasn't going to cut it. So it worked out, he was played 2 and the other kids were also rotated. He never emailed back, or said anything to me directly. However, the Devil was toying with me that evening and made my car break down at practice. Bastard. And so I got to sit there in the dark and pretend I couldn't overhear him talking to the other coaches... he obviously took my email a bit personally. And how he and the others just think baseball was the GREATEST time of their childhood and developed them. And had they not played their childhood would not have been as great... really? Because I didn't play baseball and my childhood was pretty awesome. We actually got to take vacations instead, because my parents weren't slaves to practice/games. Could be why the divorce rate is higher these days, because there is less family time and more ADDED STRESS FROM SCHEDULES!!! OK, so yes, my parents did divorce. However, it was not from stress.. it was from mom sleeping around. Possibly a more strict schedule would have helped her ;) At any rate.... it's all cool. But I am still annoyed that this week, for example, I have practice tonight until dark, game tomorrow until dark, practice Wednesday until dark and a game Thursday. This isn't floating well with me, since he is in school. But I am just a woman, so what do I know.

Dad is having another analscopy today. I have no idea what that is called, but I call it an analscopy. He had one last month, and they called him back due to inconclusive results. So I hope that the news is good, because I will kick his ass if he gets sick. Well, more sick. Especially since I came up with an idea! I'm going to start a new feature on my blog called, "Ask My Dad" :) Remember that little old lady Jay Leno had on his show. Shocking mouth??!! She died last year I believe. Well, that's my dad.... but even worse. Seriously. But he's funny. And unless you're easily shocked, he's actually amusing. So I thought I'd present questions to him... anything... from anyone that wants to ask and I'll post a video response. If nothing else, I think it will amuse the hell out of me :) So that will be coming soon. I have to keep up with Dawg and all the cool ideas he has :) And they have the Jeopardy (game show) bus coming to KC soon, I really want to take dad and see if I can get him on the show! He blows my mind with the things he can remember. I wake up some days and still have to look up my sister's phone number!

Oh, and it turns out that my sleep-around neighbor was in Vegas while MrNV was there. She sent him an email with her itinerary. I guess at the practice I missed, she mentioned it. Now I trust MrNV, but it amuses me that she didn't mention it to me. At all. She wanted him to have her celly number, and so I entered it into his cell and saved it under 'fuck buddy' because it made me chuckle. I didn't tell him, and he was not amused when it rang in Vegas ;) AHAHHA. He was busy working though, so he didn't get to entertain her and her gaggle of ex-wives going through their mid-life crisis. And yes, the day she returned from Vegas I noticed her roofer boyfriend's truck in her driveway. No time wasted :) Don't ask me about his wife and 4 kids because I'll get on my soap box. OH, or where they met! SERIOUSLY!

And I asked Chal this question today, but she mocked me. I watch 'The Dog Whisperer' sometimes. And that guy goes on and on about how he can help any dog. I really think he should have done a TV special and helped the pitbulls put to sleep from Vick's ranch. I am being silly, cuz I think he would have been eaten. However, maybe he could have helped them? And there are plenty of people out there that do love the breed that would have adopted them. Can he really say that he can help any dog? Were they beyond help? I don't know. I chuckle when I watch him walking these dogs, tapping their rib cage with his foot when they start to act up. I think had he tried this with a fighting dog, they would have removed his foot.. then his arm :) Oh well. I'm sad they had to be put to sleep. I wish they could have been helped. Chal felt it would have been a pay-per-view event... because she's sick and wanted to see him mauled :) I hope a dog bites her in the ass. Or, her vicious killer cat does! But, my point is that if he could have helped them and documented it on TV, then it would have helped those of us that feel they're beyond help understand that maybe they're not?

Oh well. Thanks to the peeps that checked on me. Very sweet. I'm OK. Not on any fabulous vacation. Oh, but I have been coming up with fun things for my Oscars contest this year. So y'all better start studying!! I think it's in February or something. **Photos of my neighbors keeping an EYE on me.. I do so love Halloween candy**

XOXO

Rest in Peace

I'm very sad today that Luciano Pavarotti has died. I always sort of hoped to see him live, although I knew that wasn't possible. His concert demands on TSG always sort of made me chuckle :) He rocked. And my dad also requires risers on all of his furniture. You know, it's not easy when you're older to just hop up out of low furniture.. that's not so crazy!! At any rate, he was amazing and I will continue to enjoy his music until I catch his great concert in the sky.

Jackass

I wish my brother would just stop contacting me, because he is a jackass. Today he called at 7:30am, I missed the call. But, it was actually a fax. Wanting his pans back because he's doing some stupid cooking show. And I'm so pissed. When he offered me the pans, I kept telling him I didn't need them. But no, he wanted me to have them. "They are stainless steel, you should be using them." I did like the little pot which fit into the slightly larger pot for melting chocolate.. always wanted one. So, after they sat in the box for a month I figured.. why not. So I tossed out many of my hideous pieces and kept his. So now he wants them back. Of-fucking-course. And I should know better by now. So they're on my front doorstep and I'm annoyed. Jackass. And he includes a little note for the Monkey in there. As if I'm going to read it to him.

I know. I'm cold. But at least I own it. The sister I haven't talked to for 2 years wasn't even 1/2 as shitty yet I kept giving him more chances. If she was evil, then he is the devil incarnate!

Sketchy

I like when MrNV draws sketches of me (which look nothing like me) because it makes me feel like maybe he likes me just a little bit. Even though he's MEAN to me and says NASTY things. He was on the phone FORever this evening, and drew this. I wish I could draw something other than stick figures. Why is he good at so many things and I'm not? It's just not fair. We were talking about car accidents tonight, and I mentioned one I was in at the age of 15. I went flying forward and shoved the rear view mirror through the windshield with my head. And one person asked if that's what's wrong with me??? IT NEVER DAWNED ON ME?!?!

Question

On average, how many kids are on a little league team?

When we started out with our coach, we were a new team.. he was a new coach. We had the perfect amount of kids, so there were never more than 1 or 2 on the bench.. if that. The first year he was all 'we need to stick it out, and we'll get better'. And that was fine, the kids were getting out there running around and learning the game. Monkey loves it. The second season he brought in 1 or 2 more experienced kids, tossing a few of the infield kids into the outfield and leaving more kids on the bench. He did fairly well at mixing up who would be on the bench.. usually. But now we just started the Fall league... and there are 17 kids on the team?! He brought in a bunch of kids that seem to have been playing since they were 2... and now most of our original team is on the bench. Monkey got to hit once, and was in the outfield once the entire game.

I'm not all huggy-feely.. I don't feel everyone should get a trophy. I believe you play to win and either you do or you at least did your best. And I kind of thought that our team would stick together and get better every season.. as they were trying. But now it seems the coach is more interested in just winning and so has found a bunch of new kids he'd rather play with, and has left the rest of us behind. I'm sort of insulted and would rather just put him in karate or golf lessons. I get it that the other kids are better, but how will our kids get better if they don't play?

So I'm perturbed. I'm taking a brief break before the partay.. and did a search. I didn't find information on how many kids should actually be on the team. I guess if this is normal, that's fine. I'm just one of those bitchy moms :) But I'm good at it!! I deserve a trophy!! :)

Maybe some spoilers??

We rented 'Premonition' lastnight to watch at our friend's house. Gah. My husband kept going ON and on that On Demand kept saying it was available... but it wasn't. So we rented it. KERAPPY! Seriously. We both liked the idea of the story, and were excited to see what happened. But it was shyte. Just like 'Wicker Man'. They trick you in with this artsy fartsy seeing dead people you love stuff.. but then it's lame. And she could have saved her husband's life.. she was WEAK! It was just stupid and I don't recommend it to anyone.

On Demand right now they have 'Deja Vu' which was really good. And something else, but I can't think of it right now. So. Off to buy groceries for the partay tomorrow. I SO hope that Dawg doesn't show up in his thong again and horrify my friends and family. It's just so embarrassing.

Shiny Toy Guns

If it weren't for commercials, I don't think I'd ever find new groovy music.

Blu, we need to put those speakers in the vanwagon I've decided :)

I hate being dismissed by men.

Do you ever have to deal with a man that you know is a chauvinist? They talk down to you like you're just stupid and don't put a thought into what you're saying. Lastnight we were at a friend's house and my husband's uncle came along. They were discussing the movie 'Pan's Labyrinth'. I haven't seen it, they were talking about someone that is half man half horse.. and they couldn't think of his name.
"Pan?.... which I am guessing why they titled it Pan's Labyrinth?'
"No, that's not it."
Some other guy came up with 'Fawn'.. "Yeah, that's it!!" ??? WTF?
Then they were trying to think of what the creature itself is called. Many guesses were flying around.
"Centaur.." I said
"No, that's not it." MrNV's uncle shot me down.
Why?

Comments-a-Thon

Captain Corky is torturing himself with a comments-a-thon or something. I don't know. Just support him if you have a moment :) Or he might become sad.. and it will be all YOUR fault :)

Kinda funny..

As my daily mental break, I like to read DListed. But, there is another site which I sometimes check out Perez Hilton. He's kind of an ass, and I hate his stupid drawings on photos. He was on some MTV show lastnight.. taking celebs (which he surely isn't) and pairing them with a rapper. It's a contest to see which celeb (which he definitely isn't) will win. Like American Idol karaoke I guess.

I admit, I chuckled. He was funny, and did end up getting voted into the next round. I think it's the first time I've heard a gay rap song :) Had you seen the other contestants, you would appreciate his performance :) I don't know why I watch these things, but they amuse me while I'm working. I become hostile while doing paperwork, so I need something to calllllm me :)

Why MrNV is a wanker.

He's going to be in Vegas during the MTV music awards. Staying on the strip. And you know he's going to see some drunken celebs he should be taking pics of, but he won't know who they are. And he'll come home and tell me he saw NOTHING. I will be forced to smack him around.. then his friends will take him to the man shelter again. He's such a wuss :) But you just know, as his job is brass pole inspector for the state, he will see some fools in those strip clubs!! I'm kidding. But he will be at a popular casino, and I know some will pass through. He did meet one of the paparazzi photogs in the elevator once. That was interesting. And he also saw the two guys that host the show MXE? Is is still called that? Most Extreme Elimination? I LOVE that show! He coulda taken a photo!!

Ach well. I'll just tell him to take photos of everything that looks interesting. We can all sort it out here later :) Last time he took pics with his camera phone... of a woman dancing in a cage and a huge aquarium. An OK start I guess :)

disTURbing things I've seen this week...

Gah.

Why, Britney, whyyyy?
What happened to Angelina's trunk??
Kid Rock needs to close the trunk.

And WHY does Rockdawg have a crush on Amy Winehouse?

Feel free to click on images for larger versions... if you can handle it :)

Just for Chal-o-perv

I was talking to Chal, and at the end of our call I pushed my 'check mail' button. And laughed. "Omigod, I get these every night!!". And I seriously do, about 20 of them just after midnight. Spam is a never ending nightmare around here, I've just had my email account too long. And it's everywhere and I believe they're also pulling it from my website. So, anyway, she was laughing because she's a perv and wanted me to post them. Freak. So, these are the subject lines... enjoy. Freaks... all of you :)

When I tried to give him oral sex, I practically choked. how do I do it without gagging? Please help!

I just started dating a guy I like, but his putz is on the small side and doesn't really satisfy me.

My boyfriend's dick keeps slipping out.

My boyfriend's phallus is too big for my mouth.

My new guy's member is enormous, and my mouth is tiny.

My boyfriend's tool is too big for my mouth.

Well, and 12 other variations of the above. ..sigh.. Oh, and they were all from Nestor Hurst.. incase you know him :)

Most of the emails had something like this in the text;

Baronesses always hee-hawed at me and even men did in the free WC! Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M E _G_A_D_ IKfor 3 months and now my shaft is terribly preponderant than national.

Chestnuts roasting.... no more!!

Yesterday I took a break and found a website that carries a chestnut puree. This is BIG news for me. At Christmas I like to make what I call vermicelli. No, it ain't pasta. It's this wonderful dessert which is made with a chestnut puree. But for the longest time I had no idea what was in it. I would sometimes have it while living in Switzerland, and you can't find it here. Even at Andre's.. although they know what it is they only make it for special orders. AKA expensive. One year, for my birthday, my brother asked what I wanted. "I want you to make vermicelli!". Yes, he knows what it is. My father and brother are both executive chefs trained in Switzerland. You say vermicelli.. they know. So there I was, I think it was around my 24th or something. A beautiful display.. the meringue shell and everything. Proper color...but the texture looked dry. I was excited anyway... and I tasted. NOOOOOOOOOOO!! My dad and brother both laughed, because they thought they could fool me. Idiots. This was CLEARLY marzipan colored and mixed with whipping cream. So they think me an idiot? Of course, I asked, "I thought you were professionals?? I am ashamed that you don't even know what vermicelli is!!".. but they did. I just had to get the final word :)

So the year before last I roasted and toasted and wasted much time with chestnuts. I mixed and mashed and taste tested.. until I created what was the MOST impressive vermicelli ever! I took it to my mother's Christmas thang.. and it as a success! Not very pretty.. but I am not a chef. I only make things that taste good... I'm not so good with the show part.

Anyway, I am excited that I have found bottled chestnut puree. Yes. This is grand indeed. I can't find it locally. And I found canned vermicelli from a Canadian store, but don't want to pay shipping. So I'll receive it next week, it's coming from Ohio. And once I have created my beautiful desserts.. I will post photos. And you can all continue not to care :) But for me it is yet another thing crossed off of my list of things to do before I die. I need to start adding more stuff.. as I'm getting older this list is getting shorter. That can't be a good sign!

Late night suffering.. sorta

It's after 2am and I'm doing a late night-er trying to catch up on paperwork. I thought I'd watch 'Miss Potter' on demand. What a sweet movie. I never knew the history of Beatrix Potter. How tragic that her first love died. What a wonderful lady, though. Although I still just can't stomach that puffy faced actress in the movie.. Renee Zellweger. She's just always the same quirky squinting person in every movie.. isn't she??!

We also watched the season finale' of 'Big Love'. Not too bad at all. MrNV is a big fan of the show. He's trying to convince me that multiple wives is the way to go. I think sometimes he doesn't fully consider the consequences of what he says :) I like where one of the wives comments that their husband's dating life is not their business. BWAHAHHAA! That's just wrong on so many levels.

Ach well. Back to work. Anyone have any freakin' coffee??!

Moo-vies

Went to see 'The Bourne Ultimatum' lastnight. Pretty good movie, actually. I read the books a long time ago, and they have always been a favorite. But, I am SO tired of the MTV generation herky-jerky videography... seriously. I love movies that have car chases.. and you can watch what's going on.. like 'The Transporter'. Love that movie, because you can see the action. But they jerked the camera around so much it made me nuts. Either do action, or don't do action.. but don't hide action with motion sickness camera tricks. Jerks. I had the same problem with the newest Pirates of the Caribbean flick... too herky-jerky. I like to look at stuff.. not WONDER about what I just saw. I think it's 'Ronin' that has one of my all time favorite car chases.

My sister watched Monkey, and we also went to see 'Superbad'. I loved the 2 cops in the movie, and their interaction with McLovin. But the chubby foul-mouthed kid I coulda done without. I'm no prude, and I don't mind language... but it can get excessive at times. To the point you start to feel uncomfortable for the character. I would like $1 for every time the word 'dick (and slang words for it)' or 'vagina (and, slang words for IT)' were used. Not to mention every sex act discussed repeatedly. Kinda lame when you can't create humor without shocking the audience.

Anyway, that's my view on things :) MCLOVIN'... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!? :)

***Update****
So, the 2007 Teen Choice Awards are on. They just went through the list of celebs and misc freaks that will be on the show.. and promoted the 3 kids from 'Superbad'. K, this movie is Rated R so TECHNICALLY no teen should have seen that movie... right?

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

Uh... what? "Everywhere.. like.. such as..." and build up our future..whuuut??

I had the Miss Teen USA on for a bit lastnight, but MrNV kept whining that it was killing him. Even though they were dancing around in short shorts, and we were only about 5 minutes into it. Big baby that he is :) So I missed this amazing speech. She came in 3rd.